The Luv Doc: A One-Way Ticket to Johnson City: Are the yuppies still relevant? – Columns

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Dear Luv Doc,

I’ve been living here for quite a while now and never see one cute guys in my age range. Where are the best places to find cute singles yuppie guys in their thirties? Thank you for your help!

– Sincerely, Nina


Well, that’s an interesting take on a city that has 120 single men for every 100 single women. Then again, maybe all the single men in Austin are ugly. It’s really hard to tell when their faces are all buried in Moses’ length beards. Now watch out, it’s a rare day when I’m chasing yuppie cute men in their thirties. Also, are the yuppies still relevant? Or is it some sort of buzz term from the 80s era that has come back into vogue? You know, like fanny packs, white tennis shoes and Kentucky waterfalls? If so, maybe we should sweep this one under the rug, because all the young urban professional men try to dress like lumberjacks or like Clint Eastwood in a handful of dollars. That is, of course, when they’re not kitted out in skin-tight spandex for a brewery bike tour.

Hey! I just had an idea! You should probably drop a few thousand bucks on a road bike and a tight spandex cycling suit and start cruising around Austin’s three or four thousand craft pubs. A friend of mine recently posted a picture on Instagram of herself riding a road bike closely followed by several hundred Hasidic-looking fellow students. There might have been another woman in that multitude, but if there was, his beard was legitimate. If I remember correctly, they were all heading somewhere to barbecue. I know it sounds a bit like a porn title when you type it, but guys love meat. That’s why almost every 30-year-old man in Austin wants to be Aaron Franklin.

They also want to open their own craft brewery. Have you ever been to Austin Beerworks on a Saturday night? They might as well rename this place Johnson City. Also the beer is fantastic. Be warned, though, that you’ll likely need to deepen your conversations on topics like van remodeling, drone photography, cannabis strains, woodworking, and yes, barbecuing. Oh, and before you even dwell on a modern, moose-cut 30s Moses, you’ll want to be a next-level scholar on the topics of road biking, craft brewing, and pro football. Yes, Austin actually has a professional football team. Who knew? Their logo is a tree and no, it doesn’t make sense. I guess Groot is our mascot.

If you don’t like beer, bikes and Battlestar Galactica, you might want to focus your attention on West Sixth. On the plus side, the expensive craft cocktails won’t make you fart in your sleep, but the minus is that the male-to-female ratio wobbles much stronger towards the X. I’m talking about the chromosomes, of course, not molly – although you had to realize that there is a strong statistical probability that a number of West Sixth women are actually 1) named Molly; 2) attending their college friend’s bachelorette party; 3) obnoxiously claiming they’re “hungry for some D” – so if you’re man hunting in this jungle, just be ready to throw your hands up.

Finally, there is Rainey. Rainey is basically for all the kids who were too restless to watch reading rainbow. They are adults now and have jobs in social media marketing. They also have flyaway haircuts, trendy clothes, and they’ll take a jump shot literally anywhere – even in front of Unbarlievable, because they don’t know. Yes, I’m talking about guys. Some of them are probably cute, but if you can’t see their spandex brass knuckles, how can you really tell?

From where I’m sitting, this all sounds like a lot of trouble. You’re probably better off living your life, enjoying the activities you love, and being the best Nina you can be. And maybe also update your Tinder profile so everyone can see your expensive new road bike. This magnet is a one-way ticket to Johnson City.

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