Things That Didn’t Happen In The Bike Industry In The Last Month – Round Up

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Things that other media were too afraid to report. Some say they didn’t even happen.
“I work on my own bike – actually!”
Commentators showed up in droves to tell strangers on an internet forum that they were working on their own bikes, with some even holding a 100-hour YouTube tutorial viewing certificate that their partners created for them at using Microsoft Paint 3D.

“How dare they route cables internally! I work on my own bike, did you know? It’s an insult to those, like me, who work on their own bike. Ironically, though I’m basically a reincarnated Vinci when it comes to technical mastery, I’m completely baffled by an entry point two inches from what I’m used to. Ban internally routed headsets – because I work my own bike, actually, and the idea of ​​releasing three-bolt tension to slide my fork is just too much of a hassle, even for someone so skilled than me.


The influencer receives the news he was hoping for when he arrives at the hospital
An Instagram influencer, sponsored by All the Brands You Despise, went to hospital fearing the worst after he was unable to break free from his imitation Shimano pedals during a recording of a bike dance inspired by Tik Tok.

Influencer, Justin Timbersnake, who unknowingly makes you blacklist any brand that supports them, had feared the lighting wasn’t up to par in the ER for the sulky I-just-broke-my-clavicle selfie . Luckily, it was, and her mother was able to turn around halfway through her trip and return to the house they share with the professional-grade lighting rig.


The Bike Industry Doesn’t Follow Bro-Dollars After All
With the introduction of e-bikes that say they’re for everyone, while seemingly appealing to no one, industry accomplice Gareth Yoghurtbottom has offered some insight.

“Aggressive e-bikes with downhill tires were just the gateway to the market we were really looking for. Truth be told, we’re not interested in you or your 75lb e-bike equipped with a double crown, your “bro-laps” or your sips of hot piss between runs. You were just a stepping stone to our final goal.

“We realized we needed to make bikes for people who call Michael Bublé ‘Michael Bubble’ and sing his songs with a wrong octave and timeless meter. We were looking for the kind of people for whom ‘Italian heritage’ is far more meaningful than modern geometry, and who call 50-year-old actor Paul Rudd a “nice young guy. They’ve got the big bucks. They’ll be buying a 100mm-travel XC e-bike to put on the roof of their Volvo before immediately ripping it off in the underground parking lot of their retirement complex. And what will they do next? They’ll go and buy another one! That’s right, we make bikes for men called Clint Strawberry that your mother finds love in her sixties – it’s loaded, it’s had a hair transplant and it’s going to keep the off-road e-MTB healthy for a very long time… well, maybe fifteen years before it does spear.


Cyclists are only prepared to tolerate a particular brand of harm
“What? Oil!? Definitely not! I was okay with monopolies, dark and conspiratorial political lobbying and phone hacking… I was okay with money laundering scandals and accusations of being in bed with drug cartels… but oil? The same one I buy every day to put in my car to put on my bike, or on which I depend entirely to receive, or dare I say maintain, my style of life. proportionally decadent life and riding my 15K carbon road bike?No – that’s too much for me!

“You can let my $200 jersey be made in a sweatshop in China, you can let my carbon wheels have a 700% margin, damn it, you can even let me support a sport that basically promotes false conditions medical and eating disorders in young teens, but dare not even THINK of associating my sport with one of the many terrible brands in the world that don’t fit my sliding scale of evil, even though I may whether or not to use this brand’s products every day. Any cycling association I join should, and I think of course, implicitly accept the call for advocacy and boycott on my behalf, while my lifestyle maintains and supports an entirely different set of choices. The hypocrites!”


The more Imagine Dragons fans start cycling, the worse the sport gets
Soft rock, three minutes long, overproduced, terribly rendered with a slight vanilla taste. No, it’s not your latest bike trail, it’s Imagine Dragons and their fans’ infiltration into the upper echelons of cycling.

Matching outfits, on gear their talent doesn’t deserve, and driving a much-loved medium of kicking and screaming into cultural popularity, Imagine Dragons are a North American band that’s solely here to serve music lovers who don’t deserve it. don’t really like music, and their ideology spreads among people who fund and build mountain bike trails for people who don’t really like mountain biking.


Loïc Bruni’s mechanic throws the frame into the sea
Loïc Bruni’s mechanic attached a retractable dog leash to a brand new frame and threw it off a frankly pleasant pier near Nice, France, ahead of the frame for the special edition of the world championships of the ‘next year.

“Well, first of all, we use rust-colored bikes for the same reason I left Nutella in my beard on my wedding day – it looks great to have something so bad. We also realized, why are we spending hours painting these frames to look rusty and crumbling when we could just let Mother Nature take care of our business?”

“Next week I’ll be pooping on my own door as a conversation starter for guests to comment on.”


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